


Valentine's Day 2021 | Kakuhida Discord Server Event | Cheesy Clichés

by fuladaris



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Heart Attacks, Jashinism, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi, Prison mention, Sharing a Bed, Swearing, Valentine's Day, alcohol mention, the pain/konan is super mild but it's referenced in a couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuladaris/pseuds/fuladaris
Summary: Four stories written as a celebration of Valentine's Day - one for each of Kakuzu's surplus hearts, of course.(And, maybe, he might find something a little extra, for the main heart itself.)
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto), Konan/Nagato | Pain
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	1. Prompt 1: Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! This 'fic' is a collection of the four Valentine's Day prompts from the kakuhida Discord server! The theme of the prompts is "Cheesy Clichés."
> 
> These are going to be fairly short prompt fills, collected together in a four chapter fic (although each 'chapter' is a standalone in and of itself, so there isn't an interconnected story here). And, of course, since there were four prompts, I decided to additionally theme each one around one of Kakuzu's extra hearts, for an extra challenge~! Not sure how prominent those extra themes will end up being in the finished products, but the comparisons are fun to make all the same.
> 
> (Oh, and I'll also be writing a fifth chapter based on an idea of my own, for Kakuzu's main heart - as a cute little bonus for you all.)
> 
> I'll post a link to these on my tumblr blog once I've written all of them, but the contents of the fics themselves will only be posted on AO3. The event goes through the 16th, but my goal is to have all of them written by Valentine's Day. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

_**Prompt One: Confessions  
(Lightning)** _

Kakuzu never sleeps with his back to Hidan, even though he's long since come to realize that Hidan has no intentions of using his surplus hearts as sacrificial backups. In some ways, this realization is a comfort, because Kakuzu has stopped sleeping with one eye open, which means he's _far_ better rested than he _used_ to be, back when they first met. Nevertheless, though, Kakuzu is still too cautious and distrusting of a man to _reveal_ this realization, and so tonight - as is the case all other nights - it is Hidan who must turn his back to him.

Of course, he was _also_ too cautious and distrusting to stop being a light sleeper _entirely_ , so he is used to Hidan waking him up for one or another stupid reasons - but tonight, as he lies frozen, he thinks he isn't supposed to be hearing _this_ at all. 

"I think I'm in love with him," Hidan is murmuring in the dark, and the words are shooting through Kakuzu's hearts like a jolt of electricity. He's glad Hidan isn't facing him, right now, because if he had been, not even the darkness could have hidden Kakuzu's shock at those words.

(For although he wears them on his back, he does _not_ like moments where he must wear his hearts on his _sleeve_.)

They aren't the kind of couple - if one could even _call_ them a couple, with how much they fight and how little they've ever talked about labels and what they are - who speaks so openly of their affections for one another. Hell, Kakuzu doesn't even know if he would call _his_ feelings _affection_ , or if he's just growing _used_ _to_ Hidan's special brand of irritation.

(Well...he'd never grown used to irritants _before_ , so...Perhaps this _was_ affection, in its own way?)

But whatever it was - it wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to voice. To voice a feeling, to give a name to something, to definitively say "You're not just my partner in the Akatsuki" or "There might be a reason why I always warn you to be careful" or "Oh, god, I've grown fond of this annoying brat" or "You know what, Hidan? I think I love you, too" - that would make those emotions real, and unavoidable, and leave him feeling exposed and vulnerable.

And a shinobi could _not_ afford to be _vulnerable_.

Hidan, though, bless his silly, stupid heart, must have been under the assumption that Kakuzu was fast asleep, because he was still talking. No, not talking - _Praying_.

"I don't know what to do," Hidan is whispering, and Kakuzu is picturing the way those pale hands are probably clutching at their rosary. "Is he to be considered a neighbor, or not? What should I do about these feelings, huh? Give me a sign, please...Help me see..."

Kakuzu hesitates for a long, long moment, and then - turns his back to Hidan. _The little zealot wants a sign, does he?_ Alright. Kakuzu will _give him_ a sign.

If Hidan is observant at _all_ , he will realize that this is the first time Kakuzu has ever slept with his back to him. Hell, literal _decades_ of watchful sleeping meant that this is the first time Kakuzu has slept with his back to _anyone_ since he left the Hidden Waterfall. Indeed, if Hidan were a _normal_ person, this uncharacteristic movement would immediately tip him off to the fact that Kakuzu was awake. But, Hidan was _not_ a normal person, and his devotion to his little made-up god would likely make it so he'd assume _Jashin_ had instilled this sudden turn in Kakuzu.

Or, at least, this is what Kakuzu hopes, for there are two possible outcomes to this. The first is that Hidan will assume his god is asking him to stab Kakuzu through the hearts, at which point Kakuzu will have no choice but to intercept the attack by sitting up and tearing Hidan's arms off. The second option is that Hidan will see this as what it is -

_Maybe I trust you. Maybe this is my way of returning your 'love,' or whatever the hell we have. Maybe Jashin doesn't have all the answers._

As anticipated, he feels Hidan freeze up beside him in response to the movement, and then - Hidan reaches out a hand, fingers tracing lightly down the heavy scarring that decorates Kakuzu's skin. A series of threads begin moving under the blanket, in case Hidan decides to try something, but for now - Kakuzu lets him move.

"I wonder if these things sleep," Hidan mutters, stroking over the lightning mask, and Kakuzu almost lets out a derisive snort at the question. He bites it back, though, and listens. "He always says how he can't sleep with his back to anyone, but then I guess he can't just sleep _on_ his back, huh? These masks jut out...Especially this one, on the ends...At least the other three sit flush..."

Hidan hovers over him in the dark, for a moment, and Kakuzu's threads tense. Soon, though, the younger man's arms circle, loosely, around Kakuzu's waist, Hidan's head coming to rest between Kakuzu's shoulder blades. "Maybe you're asking me to kill him, Lord Jashin, but - I don't - want to. He's an asshole, and a heathen, and a miser, and he pisses me off to no end. Hardly a 'neighbor' at all. But if he's letting me do this, then - are you telling me he likes _me_ enough, too? Or reminding me that he might use _my_ heart as a replacement, and refuse to offer sacrifices with it, thus wasting my immortality? But if he's okay with this, all the same, then he must...Fuck, this is difficult-"

"It's difficult because your brain isn't wired for complex thoughts," Kakuzu quips, deciding he's heard enough. His voice is at a normal volume, to contrast with Hidan's murmured whispers, and Hidan's subsequently yelped "What the _fuck-_ You're **_awake_** -" is a comforting amusement, in its own way.

"Seriously, man, when the _hell_ \- How much of that did you hear?!" Hidan further squawks, pulling away just enough that Kakuzu is able to roll over and face him again.

"The whole thing, idiot. Do you really think your little made-up god would induce me to turn my back to you? That was a test."

"A _test_ -"

"Yes, a test. You passed it, though. Congratulations."

Hidan jabs him in the chest, unamused. "And what if I'd failed it, huh? I could have taken out one of your little masked gremlins, if I'd interpreted that as Lord Jashin telling me to kill your heathen ass-"

"Oh, I don't think so," Kakuzu hums, and the threads that had been moving under the blanket (slowly, so as to be mistaken for blades of grass) wrap around Hidan's legs and string him, upside down, from the tree under which they are sleeping. Kakuzu calmly reaches up to catch the fluttering blanket, setting it back down on the ground while Hidan rants and raves above him.

"What the **_fuck_** \- You miserable son of a **_bitch_** **-** "

"Oh? Did that startle you?" Kakuzu asks, rising and stepping over. "Be more observant."

"You **_asshole_** \- If you don't let me down right now, I'm going to sacrifice you after all, you old sack of-"

Kakuzu's threads pull until Hidan's face is level with his, and he cuts the younger man's strings of expletives off with a chaste kiss, feeling that spark of electricity again when Hidan returns it. They stay like that, for a while, locked in gentle kisses, Kakuzu allowing some shred of emotion to come through in actions if not words.

"You're blushing, Hidan," he says, softly, when he pulls away.

"The blood's rushing to my head, jackass," Hidan grumbles back, but there's something soft and tender in it all the same, and it makes Kakuzu's pulse quicken, and so of course he lets Hidan drop and doesn't catch him.

"Ow- You fucker-"

"If you want to know where you stand with me, you ask _me_ , not your imaginary friend. Now, if you wake me up again with your prayer nonsense, I'll put you back in the tree and leave you there," Kakuzu warns. "So go back to sleep and quit being such a sentimentalist."

" _I'm_ the sentimentalist? Don't think I didn't notice how _y_ _ou're_ the one blushing without an excuse - OW, LET ME BACK DOWN - I WAS KIDDING, MOSTLY-"

Kakuzu _doesn't_ let him back down, right away, although he does begrudgingly have to admit to himself that being vulnerable once in a while _might_ have some benefits. But, he's still not a religious man - Hidan can confess _love_ in the form of _prayer_ confessions all he wants, but if Kakuzu is _ever_ going to confess to _anything_ , it'll be on his _own_ terms - whatever he decides those terms might be.

_And it certainly won't be with my back to him._


	2. Prompt 2: There Was Only One Bed

**_Prompt Two: There Was Only One Bed  
_ ** **_(Fire)_ **

The first time Kakuzu deigned to go to an inn rather than make them sleep in the woods, it was because of an encroaching blizzard, although Hidan had still had to tug him inside the building and up to the front desk before the older man could reconsider his decision. And, well, Hidan had been expecting him to book two rooms, or at least one room with two beds. After all, from what he'd been told, sleeping arrangements of those natures were what the Akatsuki's budget had allocated funds for, and as Kakuzu was the treasurer, that meant he had _made_ that budget himself.

 _How fucking stupid of me, to think the guy who would rather sleep on a damn rock would book anything **but** the cheapest room available_, Hidan thought, sullenly, staring at the lone bed that adorned the one room Kakuzu had put down money for. Really, that was practically all that had been in there - the bed, plus a small dresser with a weak lamp, and a bathroom with the tiniest fucking shower Hidan had ever seen.

"Wow. One bed, in a place like this. You really know how to woo a guy," he'd said, sarcastically. "Gonna give me weeds in place of roses, too, or do you want me to go pick them outside myself?"

"Shut up," Kakuzu growled. "This is simply to save money. That's all. No point in spending money we don't _need_ to spend."

"Don't need to-?! With all the money you've saved by making us sleep in the fucking woods, we could have gotten a fucking _penthouse suite_."

"Sorry to disappoint, _princess_ , but shinobi don't need 'penthouse suites.' This will suffice."

"We don't need _this_ shithole, either, jackass. How come everybody _else_ gets to room wherever they want?"

"Because everybody else _chooses_ to use their funds for room and board. _I_ prefer to save our money for more _important_ things."

What these important things were was lost on Hidan, who'd never seen Kakuzu buy anything except for rations (inexpensive ones, mind you) - and, now, this one cheap fucking room in this run-down fucking inn. Saying as much aloud, however, only got him a vicious glare and a threat of "Keep talking, and I'll kill you," which was pretty much how Kakuzu ended _every_ conversation he didn't want to have, and so Hidan gave up, releasing an exasperated sigh and tossing his scythe in the corner of the room.

"Whatever, cheapskate. I'm taking a shower. Don't tell me there's no hot water in this fucking place, or I'm going to kill somebody."

He'd stalked off into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him after that, begging his god to _please_ cut him a break. But, alas, there had _indeed_ been no hot water, and although he _could_ have written it off as Jashin attempting to teach him a lesson in suffering - he was still pissed. Pissed at the water, pissed at the innkeeper, pissed at Kakuzu, and so Hidan had ranted and raved until Kakuzu had thrown the door open, his fire mask peeking its weird little face in, blasting the water and turning it into steam-

" _Now_ will you shut up," Kakuzu had hissed, as the self-made sauna fogged around Hidan's perplexed face. "Hurry it up. I need to shower, too. We'll get dinner after."

"What, at that bar downstairs?! That place looks fucking nasty-"

"Actually, it makes passable ribs. So we _will_ eat there."

He'd disappeared again, before Hidan could ask if Kakuzu had been here before, or even attempt to thank him.

***

Nowadays, Hidan was used to Kakuzu's penchant for saving money at the cost of comfort. Sure, Hidan might complain a _little_ bit, because he never _did_ like to be quiet for long, but he could deal with cramming into one bed with his tank of a partner, could deal with the cold showers (that Kakuzu would still heat up, on occasion), could even deal with the shitty pub food these inns tended to have (although those ribs _had_ been passable enough). And, really, even back then, all of this had _tracked_ for Kakuzu, even _with_ the rare, begrudging displays of kindness. Everything about that night had all made sense - Kakuzu was a cheapskate, through and through, and an asshole, but hey, a man with five hearts had to have _some_ measure of consideration stored in _one_ of them, right?

Yes, it had all been characteristic of Kakuzu, as far as Hidan was concerned. What he did _not_ initially understand was why, on that night, Kakuzu had told Hidan to take the bed.

***

"What's the catch?"

"There is no catch. I'm not interested in sharing a bed with you, so I'll be sleeping on the floor."

"You're seriously not going to make _me_ sleep on the floor?"

"No."

"Why the fuck not?"

"I'll make you sleep _outside_ if you don't shut up," Kakuzu had said, once again deflecting, as he'd laid a blanket out for himself. "Unless you're telling me you _want_ to sleep on the floor?"

"Why the fuck _would_ I? I'm just saying, a greedy heathen like you wouldn't pass up the chance. Oh, wait, _I_ know. Do you like hard beds? Is that why we sleep on the ground all the time? Because I can guaran-fucking-tee that this bed here is gonna be as comfortable as fucking concrete. Or is this your fucking 'I'm never going to sleep with my back to you' thing again? Think it'll be easier for me to get the drop on you if _you're_ in the bed?"

"The second one. I could care less about whether or not my mattresses are comfortable."

Hidan scoffed. "Oh come _on_! If I was going to sacrifice _your_ ancient ass, I would have done so by _now_. Besides, you'll get cold sleeping like that. It's snowing out there-"

"I've been through worse than this," Kakuzu snapped, and Hidan's eyes strayed unbidden to the prison tattoos adorning the older man's wrists. "In fact, the only reason we're even here is so that _you_ don't bitch and whine about the snow all night, the way you'd whined and moaned about the water in the shower."

"Oh, fuck off! You're the one who picked this shitstain of an inn, not me- Besides, I _know_ you heated the water, too, I _heard_ your demon-whatever making sounds."

They'd gotten ready for bed in a tense silence after that, Kakuzu lying down on the floor with his back to the wall, and Hidan pointedly lying down in the bed with his back to Kakuzu.

***

He woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of Kakuzu groaning in pain.

Hidan whipped around, half-expecting to see that some enemy had gotten in, but also half-refusing to believe that such a thing was _possible_ , given Kakuzu's tendency to wake up at the slightest noise.

No, it hadn't been an enemy at all, just the old man - letting one of his hearts out?

"That's the fire one again, isn't it?" Hidan asked, sitting up. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Go back to bed," Kakuzu growled, through gritted teeth - well, they were presumably gritted, anyway, as he'd left his mask and hood on, so it wasn't as if Hidan could _see_ his mouth. Another groan escaped him after that, as the fire heart finished emerging. Hidan had noticed that the act of the hearts taking on physical forms and leaving Kakuzu's body seemed to _hurt_ the older man, whenever they emerged further than, say, snaking over his shoulder. To see him putting himself through this pain with no enemy in sight, summoning the fire creature specifically, not to mention sleeping with his face regalia on, when usually he took it _off_ at night -

"Boy, you're a stubborn fucker, huh?" Hidan had asked, propped up on one elbow, now. "Don't want to admit that I was right and that you'd get cold?"

Sure, he _could_ have let Kakuzu suffer for only getting them one bed to begin with, could have let him deal with the consequences of choosing to sleep on the floor - but a small part of him had wondered if taking the floor, if heating up the shower, if buying him his favorite food for dinner, had all been Kakuzu's roundabout way of... _something_. Not apologizing, really, because far be it from Kakuzu to _ever_ say the words "I'm sorry," but -

Well, maybe it had been _some_ kind of olive branch, at least, and _Hidan_ could offer those, too, once in a blue moon.

"Look, man, if you're cold, just - come in the bed. I mean, I'm sure the other pairs have had to huddle for warmth before, or whatever, and I won't tell anybody if you're _that_ bent out of shape about it. I'm not going to destroy your hearts, I promise."

"I'm _fine_."

"You're slammed against the warmest heart you have, and you're hiding your handsome mug under your mask." (Kakuzu started at that, which Hidan counted as a personal victory.) "Quit being so stubborn and come in the bed. Masky can come, too, if he wants. Like a big fucking cat, or whatever. Or a mastiff. You seem like a mastiff guy."

" _Hidan_."

Hidan could read that warning note, and sighed. "Alright, fine. But if you catch pneumonia or something, don't come crying to me, because I won't give a fuck."

(Kakuzu had stayed on the floor all that night, and the beginning of the next, when the weather conditions had deteriorated further and the two shinobi were forced to stay put. Still, Hidan _did_ give a fuck, sort of, which was why he left room in the bed for Kakuzu that second night, why he declined to say "I told you so" when he eventually felt Kakuzu slip in the bed alongside him, had just pretended to be asleep, still, and had faked sleep again in the morning, faked it until after Kakuzu had left the bed again.

 _Stubborn old man_ , Hidan thought, somewhat affectionately, for his olive branch had been extended, and in so doing, Kakuzu's pride had been preserved.)


	3. Prompt 3: Coffee Shop AU

**_Prompt Three: Coffee Shop AU  
(Wind)_ **

Deidara called him "predictable." Konan called him "one of the regulars." Hidan called him "a pain in the ass." And Nagato called him "a valued customer, Hidan, so you better be nice, or you're getting a write-up." Everyone who did _not_ work in the little coffee shop just called him "Kakuzu," though, which Hidan _supposed_ would have been a nice enough name, if it wasn't for the fact that the man himself was such a grouchy tightwad.

He was some kind of accountant, according to Deidara. This mysterious accountant expected his order of a plain black coffee to be ready for him every weekday morning at 6:03 _exactly_ , at which point he'd walk in, slam _exact change_ on the counter, grab his drink, and walk out again, grunting out a "Thanks" to Nagato or Konan, who owned the place and were usually baking or on register. Otherwise, he ignored everyone else, from Hidan (who, more often than not, was the one who’d _made_ his damn coffee) to Deidara (who preferred to be on the drive-through line) to the several other customers who liked to be in there at the crack of fucking dawn with the owners and openers.

Again according to Deidara, this paucity of speech shouldn’t have been a surprise, as “My man Sasori-“ some colleague of his at some art studio he frequented “-tells me that he’s got the worst temper imaginable, hmm. Like, if a hurricane grew legs and a face and shit? That’s him. So he doesn’t talk to people, because more often than not, they provoke him.”

”Yeah? And how does Sasori know that?”

“Heard it through the grapevine, hmm.”

“Real reliable fount of information you are.”

Still, whether there were mysteries afoot or not, Hidan should have grown used to this routine by now. And yet, for some reason, it incensed him more and more every day - especially when he began trying to _talk_ to this grumpy fucker, and got nothing more than grunts in response, if that.

_"Hey, buddy, here's your coffee!" "Mm."_

_"Black coffee, as per usual." "Mm."_

_"Morning, sunshine!" (That had earned him a scowl.)_

_"Wanna try our new light roast, just for shits?" (That one had garnered no response from **Kakuzu** , although **Konan** had admonished Hidan for his language.)_

As these patterns had repeated, Hidan found himself growing more and more determined to get _some_ kind of information out of the man, and it was when Kakuzu didn't come in for a week straight that he wondered if he might, perhaps, have missed his chance, for all his valiant efforts. Since black coffee wasn't too much of a loss to the company and the employees were allowed a small amount of free drinks anyway, Deidara would just shrug and drink Kakuzu's order whenever the older man didn't show up, even if the sudden loss of this constant presence was troublesome to Hidan.

"Maybe he just found a new shop he likes better, hmm."

"It's black coffee! How fucking different could plain black coffee be from place to place - Don't look at me like that, Konan, the only customer in here has her music so loud I can hear it from here. I mean, it ain't like he's ordering a fucking macchiato-"

"Coffee people are particular," Deidara replied, sagely. "Even plain black coffee needs to be made a certain way for some of them, hmm."

"I doubt he found a new place," Nagato interjected with a sigh, looking up from a tray of pastries he was setting out, "because nobody else gives him the discounts we give him. He goes where it's cheapest, and for him, it's cheapest here, short of somebody just giving it to him for free.”

"What, so he doesn't even like our shit?!" Hidan balked. "What the - Why waste his time?!"

"He likes it, and he's an important client. But he likes his money more than anything, so we do what we must to keep his business, so he'll talk about us to his own clients, and we subsequently draw in more business ourselves. It's as simple as that, Hidan. Business is business."

It really didn't make all that much sense to Hidan, who didn't drink coffee enough to _care_ about where he bought it, but this place was Nagato and Konan's baby, anyway, so whatever worked for them worked for him. Besides, if they had such a simple arrangement going on - then why wasn't Kakuzu here?

***

It was another two weeks before Kakuzu came in again, and at that point, they'd stopped making his daily coffee. Deidara had still been under the assumption that Kakuzu had found a place he liked better; Konan had feared illness; Nagato had suggested a business trip - and Hidan had ignored all three of them, because to him, it didn't really matter _why_ Kakuzu was gone, only that he _was_.

Why he was so incensed, he didn't know, but, really, damn if he _wasn't_. Maybe it was some kind of weird crush, maybe it was just annoyance at having his routine interrupted (and Hidan _liked_ routine, given how strictly he observed his religious doctrines). But, whatever it was - whatever it _is_ \- it has Hidan blurting out “And where the fuck have _you_ been?” when Kakuzu finally walks in the door three weeks after his last visit, still at 6:03 in the morning, gusts of winter wind swirling behind him, strands of his long dark hair coming loose from the haphazard bun he had tied it in.

_Not a bad fucking look on him._

“Language,” Konan is hissing, before she says, a little louder, “We were worried about you. One moment, and I’ll get your coffee, okay?”

Kakuzu simply nods and leans back against the counter, eyes sliding closed as he waits - evidently, he has the decency not to ask why his coffee hadn’t been ready for him instantly, even after so much time away.

Hidan, of course, sees this as the perfect chance to get more information.

“Damn, man, seriously. Where were you? Deidara thought you found a new favorite place and abandoned us.”

Kakuzu glances at him, but doesn’t speak, so Hidan keeps going.

”Boss man said you were probably working, but his girlfriend over there said you were sick.”

”And what did _you_ assume?” Kakuzu asks, after another long pause, and Hidan realizes that this is the first time he’s heard this customer actually speak a full sentence. His voice is low, and gravelly, in a way that’s both threatening and alluring, and Hidan decides he wants to hear more of it.

“Dunno. Kind of thought you were dead.”

” _ **Hidan**_!” Konan snaps, appalled, and Deidara has to take his headset off so whatever customer he’s talking to doesn’t hear him choke on a laugh. Nagato just sighs deeply over at the register, and goes back to ringing up Kakuzu’s order.

”What?! He asked!”

”I did ask,” Kakuzu says, with a tone implying he wished he hadn’t. “And you were clearly wrong, weren’t you?”

”Well, who was right?”

”Do you have an employee betting pool on this, or what?” Kakuzu walks over to Nagato and pays for his coffee as he talks, giving his usual murmur of thanks to the two owners before heading for the door.

This time, however, he turns to address Hidan, too. 

“Konan was right. I was in the hospital.”

He’s gone again, before any of the shocked baristas can respond.

***

“So, what were you in the hospital for?” Hidan whispers, conspiratorially, as he hands Kakuzu his coffee the next morning.

Kakuzu doesn’t answer, just arches a quizzical brow.

”Don’t look at me like that. You told me yesterday you were in the hospital.”

”I’m well aware of what I told you, boy. I just don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“It isn’t any of my business, but I’m still gonna ask,” he says, and Kakuzu growls “At least you’re honest. Heart trouble” before he leaves the coffee shop again.

***

Things continued in this way for a while, the older man spoon-feeding information to him, assuming he deigned to say anything to Hidan at all, and Hidan taking what small victories he could.

If this guy was a hurricane, then this little coffee shop would just have to be the eye of his storm.

(Still, though, even with this bizarre new equilibrium, it wasn’t until the day when Deidara knocked the coffee pot over and Kakuzu had to wait for his order that Hidan got to see that storm-violent temper for himself.)

“Don’t ever ask me that again,” Kakuzu hisses, green eyes blazing, “or I’ll give you a matching set of them.”

”Did you get them in prison, too?” Hidan asks, undeterred, and the shock on Kakuzu’s scarred face - the subject of this apparently taboo conversation - keeps him going. “You have prison bands on your wrists, man, it ain’t a secret. So, is that where you got the scars, or what?”

”You say one more word, and I’m coming over that counter.”

”What did you do, kill somebody?”

Turns out, Kakuzu had been lying about coming over the counter, for he had instead dragged _Hidan_ over the counter, and out the door, shouting “He’s taking his fifteen _**now**_ ” over the sound of Hidan’s undignified squawks and the sound of Nagato’s confused questions as to what in hell was going on. 

“Was it a stress-induced heart attack? Because you’re gonna have another one if you keep this up,” Hidan says, brightly, feeling the cold sting of winter wind hit his face as Kakuzu drags him through the parking lot.

”Shut up, you miscreant.”

”What did you kill him with, your bare hands?”

”If you really think I killed someone, then you must have a death wish to keep provoking me.”

“Where are we going, anyway?”

”I’m taking you out to the back of the building so I can beat the shit out of you.”

”Is that a promise or a threat?”

Kakuzu stops at that, sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. “What in god’s name is wrong with you?”

”Hey, you’re the one who dragged me over the fucking bartop over a question.”

“...Touché.”

Hidan lets out of a bark of a laugh at the admittance. “Seriously, man, are you that sensitive over them? They make you look hot.”

”Do you have any filter, at all?”

“I regularly say ‘fuck’ in front of the customers, so - what the fuck do you think?”

They’ve reached the back of the coffee shop by now, but Kakuzu doesn’t take a swing at him, just leans back against the wall with a deep, deep sigh, breath visible in the cold air.

Hidan, who had been expecting a fist-fight, blinks at him curiously. “Did walking it off help?”

”Sure.”

”You know, if you’d dragged anyone else over the counter, there’d be a huge uproar.”

”What, they don’t care what happens to you?”

”Nah, Konan’s peeking out the door over there. It’s just that _I_ don’t care, so I’m not gonna press charges or anything.” A pause. “Still feel like taking a swing at me? I’ll let you. Just don’t hit my face. It’s the moneymaker.”

“A tempting offer,” Kakuzu quips, “but no. Just don’t ever ask me about _my_ face again, or I’ll skip the pretense and deck you right there in the shop.”

”Could have skipped it today,” Hidan says with a wink, and Kakuzu snorts. “Is that the closest I’ll ever get to a laugh?”

”Most likely.”

”That’s not a definite yes, so I’ll work on you.”

“Hmph. Good luck.”

When they eventually go back inside, tousled and cold from the wind, Hidan claps Kakuzu on the back and winks at Nagato, and Kakuzu - for the first time - puts a tip in the tip jar.

***

The next morning, when Hidan hands Kakuzu his coffee, he grins and says, “You know what? You’re not the only one with heart trouble, because now I’m missing mine.”

Upon seeing Hidan’s phone number scrawled across the lid, Kakuzu says, incredulously, “I think you’ve got _brain_ trouble. That’s the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, well, you stole my heart, big guy.”

”A customer threatens to beat you up in the back of the store, and you ask him out?”

“You’re not just any customer. You’re a pain in the ass.”

”You sure know how to court a man, don’t you.”

”So do you. At least, _I’m_ smitten.”

Kakuzu leaves with a smirk, and Hidan ignores the “What the hell was that, hmm?!” from Deidara.

If Kakuzu is a gale force wind, then Hidan will just have to be a storm chaser.


	4. Prompt 4: Fake Dating

**_Prompt Four: Fake Dating  
(Water)_ **

Hidan looked deeply, deeply uncomfortable, and that was so far removed from the kind of person Hidan was that it actually gave Kakuzu pause.

He’d left the younger man alone at the bar while he went back upstairs to their room to map out their course for the next week, since Hidan had been griping about “Needing a fucking drink, _seriously_ ,” for the past three days of traveling, and Kakuzu wasn’t in any mood to entertain a drunk Hidan.

(Or a sober Hidan, for that matter, but he had to admit that the idea of a drunk Hidan sounded like even _more_ of a headache.)

Still, he’d needed the time alone, and it had allowed his usually low spirits to boost at least somewhat, at which point he’d returned to the bar to find something cheap for dinner -

And seen Hidan attempting to deflect a woman who, for all appearances, was rather aggressively trying to pick him up.

Seeing Hidan shy away from the confrontation rather than fight back, hearing Hidan grumbling “I’m not interested, leave me alone” instead of hurling obscenities - it was either he was sick, or a touch of liquor in his system left him a very passive man.

Having never seen Hidan drunk before, Kakuzu couldn’t say for sure.

Still, he didn’t much care for watching this continue, and so Kakuzu crosses the bar in quick steps, throws an arm around Hidan’s shoulders, and presses a kiss to the younger man’s cheek.

”Everything alright here, darling?” he asks, voice a low, threatening growl, and his natural menacing bearing is enough to make the woman stutter out a “I-I didn’t know he was taken-“ before turning tail and fleeing.

_Young people, these days..._

”Thanks,” Hidan says. “Stupid bitch wouldn’t take the hint.”

”It shocks me that you of all people couldn’t handle that yourself,” Kakuzu replies, pulling his arm away. 

“And it shocked me that you’d step in and help,” Hidan bites back, “so I guess we’re both just full of surprises, aren’t we?”

Kakuzu eyes the counter. There’s one empty glass in front of Hidan, and another that’s half full with some clear liquid. _He’s either a passive drunk and a lightweight to boot, or he’s **really** not himself tonight._

”Wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” Kakuzu asks, as this observation comes to him - but he asks somewhat reluctantly, because for all the hearts he has, a heart-to-heart conversation is **_not_ **in his wheel house. He hates to admit that Hidan snorting and shaking his head comes as a relief.

”Just tired, that’s all. Playing the part of the loving partners doesn’t suit us, Kakuzu, that’s Konan and Pain’s gig. They’re like our antithesis, or something.”

"Antithesis? I wasn’t aware you knew that word.”

”Yeah? You like when I use big words?" Hidan grins. "Here’s another one: You’re a cocksucker.”

Kakuzu and Hidan stare at each other, then, and - Hidan laughs. “That feels more natural for us, doesn’t it?”

“Very much so,” Kakuzu admits. “Get me a glass of what you’re having.”

“Sure. Hey, bartender, can I get another glass of water over here? Thanks, man, you’re a pal-“

” _Water_?" Kakuzu arches a confused brow. "I thought you wanted to get _drunk_.”

“Drinking alone isn’t fun, asshole.”

“...Well, if you want something, now’s the time to get it, since I came down for dinner,” Kakuzu says, after a pause, “so I’m your captive audience for the next- however long this takes.”

”Thanks, lover boy.”

”If you don’t like it, I’ll tell your friend we broke up, and you can fend for yourself.”

”Fat chance, jackass. I’m ordering ribs.”

”Ah, yes. Far be it from you to be a cheap date.”

”Fuck yeah. You gotta wine and dine me, baby.”

Kakuzu has half a mind to pour his own glass of water over Hidan’s head, but instead he just - sets his hand on top of Hidan’s and squeezes, the sentimental gesture earning him a cocked brow from the Jashinist.

”Your new friend is glancing over here.”

“Yeah? Let’s give her a show, then.”

Before Kakuzu can react, Hidan leans in and presses a kiss to Kakuzu’s lips, murmuring “I kinda like kissing your mask, man” before he pulls away.

”Do you?” Kakuzu asks, staring daggers at the condensation on his water glass, wondering if it’s worth taking the mask off to take a sip, because surely his cheeks are -

_Oh, god, I’m blushing like a schoolgirl over a fake kiss. I’m never gonna hear the end of it if he sees this._

”I do,” Hidan purrs, and he tugs Kakuzu in for another one. 

(At least Kakuzu had a mask to hide his blush, but then again - Hidan didn’t seem like the kind of man to care about what emotions his face gave away.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha, I feel like this one isn’t as good as the other three, but I hope it’s an enjoyable read all the same;;
> 
> Anywho, that’s the last of the prompts from the discord server!! I hope you all enjoyed! I had a lot of fun filling them out and trying out these scenarios, as well as adding my bonus challenge of theming them around Kakuzu’s extra chakra natures.
> 
> There’s still one more chapter to come, though: a little something from a prompt of my own choosing, as a Valentine’s Day present~! 
> 
> I’ll post a link to all of these on my tumblr blog once that chapter gets posted <3


	5. Bonus Prompt: Meet Cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A clerical aside: I have now posted a link to this collection of one shots on my tumblr blog, but the contents of the fics themselves are AO3 exclusives.)  
> ———  
> Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Here’s your last chapter: a bonus fic with a prompt of my choosing, to round out my little self-imposed “Kakuzu’s hearts” challenge. Enjoy some canon-divergence!
> 
> I also wrote this as a little something extra for the lovely people in the kakuhida discord server - I wouldn’t have written this stuff without their Valentine’s Day Event’s prompt list, and I had so much fun filling it all out!!
> 
> So: thank you guys for welcoming me into your group!! I’ve loved being in it so far <3

**_Bonus Prompt: Meet Cute  
(Earth)_ **

The first time Kakuzu met Hidan, they’d erupted into a fight in less than three hours, throwing punches and kicks and weapons and curses as freely as some people threw birthday parties for their loved ones. Really, though, hurling Hidan across the forest floor so the taste of dirt filled his mouth was hardly a party at all, let alone an act of love (at least, not at this point), and both men decided right then and there that this had some divine meaning:

To Hidan, this was Jashin giving him a test.

To Kakuzu, proclamations of divine intervention were meant as sarcastic gripes levied against their dear Leader and his self-proclaimed status as “God,” insults hurled at him for _daring_ to partner Kakuzu up with someone as grating and irritating as _Hidan_.

(“Don’t blame me,” Pain had said, dryly, Konan laughing softly at his side, “I’m not the one who killed your four previous partners in fits of blind rage.”)

Oh, how the world liked to test him.

***

As far as tests went for _Hidan_ , though, Kakuzu ended up being the very _least_ of his problems.

(And actually, sometimes, he was the very _opposite_ of a problem. Even if he _was_ an annoying and greedy asshole and a miserly heathen, he’d still made Hidan smile more than once, and occasionally been somewhat of a decent partner, and _way_ more than decent at _kissing_ , too, and his kisses were earthy even when they hadn’t been fighting, and that was something Hidan had decided he’d liked.)

No, his present circumstances weren’t a test from the world. They were a test from his dear and sacred Lord Jashin, and he’d be _damned_ if he’d let his devotion waver because he was now buried however-fucking-many feet under the ground in however-fucking-many pieces.

All he had to do was be patient, and pray, and trust, and he would be saved. He would be saved, and all in due time - even if Kakuzu ~~who may have been dead, but, no, he wouldn't have gone down so easily~~ decided to leave him there, _Jashin_ would see to it that his most faithful disciple was saved.

***

The last memory Kakuzu had was the taste of dirt and the feeling of a Lightning Blade piercing his final remaining heart.

His eyes flying open, a weak heartbeat in his chest, was really _not_ something he’d anticipated ever happening again, nor did he anticipate seeing Zetsu’s face peering out at him.

“ _Welcome back to the world of the living!_ ” the white half said, brightly, while the black half growled, “ **Our Leader was right. The Earth Grudge Fear _c_ _an_ revive you, anytime a beating heart is placed in your chest.**” “ _My, my, how very fascinating!_ ”

”What the _hell_?” Kakuzu groans, as the plant-like man chatters away. “Where am I?”

” **You’re in a morgue at the Leaf Village.** ” “ _We’ve been tasked with reviving you while our Leader and Konan hunt for the Nine-Tails._ ” 

“A rescue mission? For me?” Huh. That was - surprising, but then again, perhaps the Akatsuki valued his loyalty more than the Hidden Waterfall had.

“ _Not just for you! Hidan, too!"_

(So, Hidan had been felled as well? Though - that outcome wasn’t _entirely_ surprising.)

***

(“ _My, my, you’re in a pickle!_ ”

The sound of Zetsu’s voice was so unexpected that Hidan had initially assumed he was dreaming, vanishing into yet another delirious, starvation-induced haze. However, the realization that Zetsu was _really there_ hit him **_hard_** , and were he able to whip his head around, he would have. Indeed, as it stood, it was hard enough for Hidan to find his _voice_ again - but, once he did, he let that walking piece of lettuce _have it_.

”ZETSU?! Fuck me, it took that fucking leader of ours long enough to send somebody out here!”

” _He had to time it with his assault on the Leaf_." " **Easier** **to rescue you and your partner when the enemy is too distracted to notice.** ” 

This took Hidan by surprise, although it also explained why Kakuzu hadn't come to get him, aside from the fear that Kakuzu had just _abandoned_ him. "Kakuzu got caught, too? Ha, and he was always telling _me_ to be careful- Where is he, anyway? Who's saving him?"

" _We are, of course. And then we'll come back for you._ "

"What...? Why'd ya come here _now_ if you were gonna get _him_ first-" It was then that Hidan felt a pressure on his heart, and he realized why it was that Zetsu had not emerged next to his _face_. "HEY - What the fuck are you _doing_ -"

" **Kakuzu needs a beating heart placed in his chest to be revived.** " " _And who better to get that from than you?_ " " **See you later, Hidan.** "

"HEY - NO - WAIT - ZETSU! COME BACK HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'LL KILL YOU-"

But Zetsu left him behind, and once again, Hidan's only company was dirt and his own thoughts - and, now, the confirmation that Kakuzu really _was_ dead, or had been.)

***

"Hidan's heart," Kakuzu says, bluntly. "You put Hidan's heart in my chest."

" **Where else were we going to get a heart that wouldn't stop beating before we could get your threads to react to it?** "

Kakuzu sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose, counting to ten. As much as his body is telling him to throttle Zetsu for putting _Hidan's_ heart inside him, there's no denying that his colleague's actions have brought him back to _life_ , and really, Hidan's heart probably _was_ the natural conclusion to draw. Besides, he was _alive_ , now, and that's what was important. He was alive again, and breathing, and Hidan was probably somewhere out there, hollering and cursing about his missing fucking heart.

"Let me find some spares, so I can give this back to him. How many different pieces did you say he was in? No, actually, don't answer that. I don't want to know right now. Let's just - get this over with."

Fortunately, in all the chaos and confusion and destruction that Konan and the Paths of Pain were wreaking, collecting five extra hearts was _easy_ , and Kakuzu removed Hidan's from the center of his chest as the last one was integrated. The immortal zealot's beating heart is held carefully in a bundle of threads as Kakuzu and Zetsu move through Nara Forest, to the place where Hidan had been buried alive.

Really, this wouldn't be the first time he'd have to do extensive repair jobs on the younger man, but doing so after having died himself? _That_ was new.

(He had memories of quiet evenings in hotel rooms, putting Hidan back together. An arm here, a leg there, sometimes more than one limb, sometimes repairs to internal injuries. Hidan would complain of the pain, often, but on occasion, he would lie back quietly and let Kakuzu work, marveling at the threads as they worked on fixing him.

"You're so cool, man," Hidan had whispered, once, awestruck. "Do you think you could work in a medical corps with this?" 

"Maybe," Kakuzu grunted. "Although as far as the Akatsuki is concerned, I _am_ the medical corps."

"Yeah, well. Am I your _favorite_ patient?" Hidan had asked, those ~~pretty~~ violet eyes sparkling as he reached out, taking one of the wriggling threads that wasn't re-attaching his legs and pressing a reverent, gentle kiss to it.

"Most of the time, you're my _only_ patient," Kakuzu had stuttered, hoping the poor lighting of the hotel room would hide the flush of color that had sprung to his unmasked face in response to such a tender expression of affection.)

As he reflects on this, Kakuzu takes a special kind of pleasure in slaughtering the Nara deer in his wake.

***

"You look like shit, jackass," Hidan wheezes, as his head is brought to the surface, Kakuzu reaching out for it as his threads shove it forward in turn.

"I don't want to hear that from you," Kakuzu murmurs, brushing Hidan's hair - caked with dirt and blood, no longer as soft as it used to be - out of the man's equally blood-and-dirt-stained face. "You're a god-damned _head_."

"Yeah," Hidan agrees, hoarsely, "but with you here, I won't be one for long, right?"

"Right."

( _Praise you, Lord Jashin, for bringing Kakuzu into my life._ )

Hidan had always seen a strange kind of intimacy in it, too, whenever Kakuzu reattached his missing parts, and they both felt it now, Kakuzu stitching pieces together with some threads while other threads brought more of Hidan to the surface, Zetsu finding whatever was further below the rubble and occasionally commenting on the other men's progress.

To Zetsu, this fixing of Hidan was clearly a burden, a waste of time - but, to Kakuzu, Hidan was a grotesque jigsaw puzzle, at the center of which lay an ever-beating heart. _How oddly poetic_ , Kakuzu thinks, with a jolt of affection.

"How'd it feel to have my heart beating in your chest, huh?" Hidan asks, then, _breaking_ their quiet, bizarre intimacy.

"Uncomfortable."

"Really? I liked it."

This gives Kakuzu pause, but then - it made sense, that Hidan would be able to feel what his own heart was up to. "Did you, now?"

"Yes. It felt - I don't know. Natural, I guess. Didn't you think so?"

"...I suppose," Kakuzu murmurs, softly, and this time, when he leans down to leave a quick kiss on Hidan's lips, they both think it tastes of earth.


End file.
